


Berg and Ernie are gay

by Chrollo_Lucilfrick, kid_with_anxiety_likes_trees



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 50/50 chance, Anal Sex, Crack, Crack Fic, Destiel - Freeform, Kinky, M/M, Tentacle Sex, Urethra Sex, Well - Freeform, Wink wink nudge nudge, actual sex ya know, charlie is a cool gay, holy oil as lube, kind of, like it's not even crack it's a full on cocaine fic, or you'll be scarred for life, overly kinky probably, the all consuming flannels, um, we stan her, you will not regret reading this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 05:34:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18794023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrollo_Lucilfrick/pseuds/Chrollo_Lucilfrick, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kid_with_anxiety_likes_trees/pseuds/kid_with_anxiety_likes_trees
Summary: Based on the quote "There are two things that I know for certain, one: Bert and Ernie are gay. Two: you are *not* gonna die a virgin. Not on my watch." in 5x3.Dean isn't going to let Cas die a virgin. Cas is very inexperienced. Charlie shows up at some point.Life is great.





	Berg and Ernie are gay

“Bert and Ernie are gay, and you’re _not_ going to die a virgin. Not on my watch.” Dean said.

 

“Much sex. Very butt. Dean are you able to do the self-fallatio, as you humans call it?” Cas replied. As an angel, he was very much able to do the self fallatio. Maybe him and Dean would be able to do the self-fellatio together as a bonding activity.

 

“What the fuck, Cas, that would be gay, no homo bro,” Dean said. “Anyway you wanna suck my dick?”

 

Chuck, of course, was outside, recording this.

 

“Dean. Dean I do not know how to suck on a penis. Is it like sucking on a binky?” Cas, as an angel, only knew how to suck on binkies. Him and the other angels would bond through sucking on each other’s binkies. It was a grace exercise.

 

“No Cas, you suck dick by sticking a prick down your throat and gagging to make the receiver of the pleasure think he has a large penis.” Dean was getting tired of how inexperienced Cas was at sucking dick. It was, however, somewhat adorable.  

 

Dean unzipped his jeans and his 34 inch pp accidentally slapped Cas. “Oh fuck, sorry bro.” Dean said. He took off his flannel, revealing another flannel underneath it. He continued to remove flannels. By the time he had no flannels on, half of the room had disappeared into the flannels. The flannels are all-consuming.

 

Cas had a big red dick-shaped slap mark on his face. “Oh, fuck, I can’t believe you’ve done this.” He moaned.

 

Dean grabbed his 34 inch pp and started slathering his pre-cum all over Cas’s face. “Cas, you have to get naked now or else I won’t be able to reach completion.” Cas started to take his trench coat off, but Dean grabbed his wrist before he could. “No Cas. Keep the trench coat on. It turns me on.”

 

Cas was confused, as he had to remove the trench coat to remove his suit and tie. “Dean… my suit.”

 

Dean walked over to one of the bedside tables in his room, wading through the many different colors of flannels. He opened a drawer and brought out a pair of scissors and walked back over to Cas, who was now kneeling. “Here,” Dean said. “Cut your suit. I can buy you a new one.”

 

Cas was really upset that he had to cut his suit. It was his favorite suit. It was also his only suit. But he took the scissors anyway and began cutting his suit straight down the center. He couldn’t get to the arms though, so he cut around the arm holes and left the arm part of the suit on beneath his trench coat when he took the suit fabric off. Next he removed his pants and socks and shoes, leaving him only in his boxers, trench coat, and tie. And the part of the suit that he couldn’t get off, but we won’t talk about that.

 

Seeing Cas like this made Dean’s pp elongate. It evolved from a 34 inch pp to a 56 inch pener. This astonished even Chuck, for no one, not even god, had seen such a big pener.

 

“Fuck, bro, Cas, we don’t have any lube, I can’t buttfuck you!” Dean complained. He looked around the room in search of something that could work. Then he saw it.

 

“Dean? What are you doing with the holy oil? Dean we need that to trap Raphael what are you doing Dean?” Cas said confusedly. He then watched as Dean smothered the holy oil all over his 56 inch pener.

 

Cas then felt his pp get hard af. “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DEAN IM CONFUSION” Cas panicked. Jimmy Novak’s pp was very small. He had a 2 inch pp. However, it was a glowy pp because Cas was an angel.

 

“Cas take of your boxers,” Dean said, a smirk on his face. “C’mon, Cas. Show me your pener. Strip for me.” Cas began to take off his boxers very slowly. He stepped out of them and then waved them over his head like a helicopter. He then threw them down aggressively.

 

“Dean my penis is elongated. It hurts, Dean.”

 

“Holy shit Cas, do you have a micro-pener?”

 

Cas was confused. “What is a micro-pener?”

 

Dean was exasperated. “Never mind that, Cas. How do you suck your own dick when it’s that small?”

 

“Would you like to see?” Cas asked him.

 

Dean nodded. Castiel sat on the floor and began to compress his stomach. His body started folding into itself. Dean could hear bones cracking and blood swishing around. Cas’s two inch pene started getting closer and closer to his mouth until he was able to fully breach his mouth with his own pener. Cas’s eyes glowed a weird greenish-blue color and tentacles suddenly started sprouting out of his ears. It was the most beautiful yet horrifying thing Dean has ever seen in his life.

 

Including the Cartwrite twins.

 

At this moment, Chuck died. Chuck was dead. God’s dead. Oh god. WHat’ve we dOne. We really messed up.

Anyway Dean shoved his phat hawg up Cas’s micropener hole. “Agh, God, Cas, your urethra is so god damn tight..!” Cas’s peen exploded like a firework, glowy and blue, all over the place.

 

“What the frick, Dean. Dean what did you do. Dean what happened to my pp?” Cas cried apathetically. Chuck somehow died yet another death.

 

Dean smirked. This had been the plan all along. “What’s wrong Cas?”

 

“Dean. Dean my pener is gone!” Cas began shaking, the tentacles from his ears swaying back and forth and then convulsing. He started seizing, foam coming out of his mouth and green acid falling out of his asshole.

 

Then something strange happened. Well. Even more strange. His calves and his forearms started to get bigger. They were inflating, growing like balloons being filled with helium. Soon, they were as big as watermelons, and were somehow able to lift him off his feet. He floated to the ceiling, crying, as the whole situation was somewhat painful.

 

“Ehh, I can work with this,” Dean said, preparing to use his jet pack that he keeps in the closet, hidden from Sam, as Sam would never step back into the closet. However, it was where Dean could hide his true fantasies.   

 

Dean reached into his mouth and put his hand all the way down his own throat, stretching his trachea. His arm stretched farther and farther, reaching down into the depths of his stomach. He stopped. His wrist and fingers twitched around, searching. Then he grabbed something and retracted his hand quickly. In his fingers was a lighter coated in stomach acid.

 

He lit his dick on fire. The holy oil made the flames blaze powerfully and Dean smirked. “yOu ReaDy CaS?” He said.

 

“Oh my god Dean wait look at your penis, Dean your penis is on fire, Dean that’s not safe Dean,” Cas screamed. But it was too late.

 

Dean put his jetpack on and zoomed to the top of the ceiling, setting most of the flannels in the room on fire. But only the flannels. The ceiling was only a few feet above his head, but he likes to be dramatic. Which of course was why he used the jet pack. Man, being not-straight™ was such a hassle.

 

Dean’s peeaeaener was still on fire. He flew up to where cas was floating on the ceiling and put his pener against Cas’s teeth. Cas screamed out in agony, as he knew what holy oil and fire could do to angels.

 

But Dean had enough of Cas’s whining. He shoved his burning pener inside of Cas’s asshole, Cas screeching in response to the searing pain inside his anus. The fire set the inside of Cas’s whole body on fire, burning out his grace, as well as Jimmy Novak’s organs.

 

Somehow, he was still alive. This was actually because any reapers that came close enough to take his soul immediately died, unable to bear the sight before them.

 

Castiel’s ear tentacles extended, reaching all the way to Dean’s asshole, which they squirmed their way into. Dean was not prepared for this. Dean was a top. Dean’s asshole never opened. Ever. Everyone knows tops don’t take shits.

 

Dean was extremely confused, but he fucked that Cas-Ass™ anyway. With each thrust of Dean’s hips, Cas’s tentacles reached farther up Dean’s ass. Carry on Wayward Son started blasting so loud that Dean’s eardrums almost exploded. He looked over to the side of the room.

Charlie was standing there with a jukebox, giving Dean a thumbs-up. “HELL YEAH!” Charlie screamed over the music.

 

“THIS SONG FUCKING SLAPS BUT IT’S SEASON FIVE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Dean shouted.

 

“THE GAY POWER SUMMONED ME!” Charlie screeched.

 

Charlie started to pull out those gay dance movements, mimicking mostly Michael Jackson and Justin Beaver at the same time. Somehow, as in even Chuck’s ghost doesn’t know how, she pulled them off.

 

Cas was dying on the inside, his heart unable to feel any emotions at all. He thought about all those times he would invisibly watch Dean in the shower or jacking off to Busty Asian Beauties, and he wondered why he’d done it. Did he really love Dean that much? He couldn’t remember why.

 

“OF COURSE YOU LOVED DEAN THAT MUCH YOU SILLY LITTLE GAY,” Charlie screamed, biting her lip and acting like a fuckboy while at the same time doing the moonwalk. “YOU ARE THE ANGEL OF FUCK!”

 

Castiel was scared. Charlie could read his thoughts?

 

“OF COURSE I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS, I’M GAY!” She moved on to the thriller dance, still pulling off the fuckboy vibe.

 

Ah. That explains it.

 

Cas smiled, suddenly reminded of the fact that he truly, truly loved Dean. It didn’t matter whether or not Dean was ravaging his ass with his flaming penis. In fact, that made Cas love him even more. Cas started moaning in his real angel voice, making the room quake and the windows shatter.

 

“God, that’s so fucking hot, Cas!” Dean groaned. He shot his cummies into Cas’s tummies (Cas, of course, was part cow, so he had four stomachs). Cas felt it and he suddenly got his dick back and came, a stream of pure light shooting out from his angelic blue glowy micropeen.

 

“I-is it… over..?” Cas moaned.

 

Dean looked at Cas’s nose.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment telling us if you don't regret reading this or if this fic scarred you for life. Thanks for reading!!!!!


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